Star Trek Birthday

It was Worfs birthday and Data was choosing a card from The Starship Enterprise card shop on behalf of the whole crew, when O'Brien came in and asked him, "What's happening?" Data replied that it was Geordi's birthday. At this O'Brien is taken aback and gasps, "You can't do that! Captain Pick-card!"

Private Dancer

My wife used to be a faucet-dancer, but she had to give it up because she kept falling in the tub.

Meat Agency

Patrick Swayze phones up Meatloaf's dating agency. Meatloaf was busy, so his wife (who also worked at Meatloaf's dating agency) answered the phone to him. She took down Patrick Swayze's details, and what he was after, hung up and started filling out a form. Meatloaf called over to his wife, to ask her who just called. She told him it was a Dead Ringer for Love.

English Literature

Why did Oliver Twist get raped?
Because Charles Dick-ins.

Naming Babies

This woman is lying in a hospital bed with her new born baby boy. She presses the button to signal for a nurse, and when the nurse comes she asks if she'll call Doctor Al. Doctor Al eventually arrives, and the woman says "I've decided on a name for my baby: I'm going to call him Nate." Doctor Al says "I'm sorry, but I can't let you do that." This enrages the woman, who shouts "Who are you to tell me what I can or can't call my child?" Doctor Al says, "I don't mind what you call him, just so long as it's not Nate." The woman asks why, to which Doctor Al replies "Because I'm anti-Nate Al"

Meat Hotel

This hotel owner was ringing a bell when a tiger came out of it. He fed it and gave it water, but when he woke up the next day it had disappeared. Later on, Meatloaf came in and asked for a room. The hotel owner asked him if he wanted breakfast the next day, to which Meatloaf replied that he didn't. When the hotel owner asked him why, Meatloaf said "Because like a cat out of bell, I'll be gone when the morning comes."

Covered Meat Boy

Meatloaf's son was walking through the woods, when a boot filled with red gloss falls out of the tree and covers him. Meatloaf sees this, and says "Fucking hell! Shoe out of tree paint lad!"

Cat Meat

Meatloaf's wife comes in from the garden and says to Meatloaf "Hey Meatloaf, there's a big cat in the garden. Come and shoo it away." Meatloaf says "I'm sorry, but I won't do that." His wife asks him "Why not? Don't you love me any more?" Meatloaf replies "Of course I do! It's just that I'll do anything for love, but I won't shoo cats."

Cry Baby

Why did the dog eat Jimi Hendrix's guitar pedal?
Because it was a Chew Wah-Wah.

Steroids

A woman goes into the doctors and says "Doctor, I took a load of steroids, and now I'm growing a cock". The doctor asks her "Anabolic?" to which the woman replies "No, just a cock."